I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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