RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
