mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
