I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
