things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
