Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
