my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Please don't give away my fajitas
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
