Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
