I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i need some magic done to my vagina
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
