you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
