summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
