So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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