ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
do herpes really smell.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
