Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
