my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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