I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
