i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
