I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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