I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
