I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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