I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
