just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
