It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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