I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
