Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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