My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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