please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
