i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
