I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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