i think my mom watched the whole time
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I did not marry a roomba.
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