omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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