Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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