the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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