I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
