I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
