Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
did you just send me my own nude
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
