So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
