I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
