So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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