i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
