She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
