I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
