this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
