I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
