I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
