im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
