Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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