This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
