I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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