Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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