All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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